Coronavirus Unleashed on Cryptosphere – Magic Money News
First it was China. Then the world. And now us. The crypto community is the latest victim of the Coronavirus outbreak, and the results have been devastating. Not since the shutdown of the darknet market Alphabay has such carnage and sorrow been witnessed. In fact, the latest metrics taken by our reptilian overlords, received from an exclusive MagicMoneyNews source, suggest that morale is at an all time low, akin to the fateful day of November 14, 2018 when BTC broke 6k support. The community is still coming to grips with this devastating infection that has kicked off the new year, as the youth of tomorrow — and the adults of yesterday — face this latest challenge.
Reactions to the alarming and potentially apocalyptic Coronavirus outbreak have been mixed. The men and women who have taken the threat seriously are using the Telegram account @hazmat_suit_bot to suit up and protect themselves.
Others have inexplicably dismissed this newest biological threat, putting forth the claim that a real life virus poses no threat to anyone on the internet. Even with the confirmed existence of a Telegram bot that is infecting unwitting users, aptly named @CoronaVirusRobot, the outbreak has still yet to be taken seriously by all. Cognitive dissonance and other mental barriers are suspected to be the cause.
Hodlers and degens alike who have opted to ignore the virus, as expected, have begun to exhibit noticeable and disturbing changes in behavior, though infection cannot be confirmed with certainty at this juncture. Pessimism initially was on the rise, leading to an increase in bearish sentiment in the markets. Bitcoin of course, known for its contrarian ways, told the bears to “get rekt” and has been steadily pumping since the outbreak began. Some swear they hear the echoes of @Saj_le_Great’s laughter awaken them in the dead of night, accompanied by images of beaten and bloodied bears filling their subconscious and conscious alike. These visions are said to be weaponized hallucinations produced by none other than Saj himself.
Our sources tell us that through his Illuminati connections, Saj was inoculated from Coronavirus before the outbreak even began, allowing him free reign to decry bears across the Cryptosphere without the need of a hazmat suit. He is said to be working on forming a super-alliance with ParabolicTrav in his quest to defeat the bears for good.
Even BSV, widely regarded as the most evil crypto asset in existence, has more than tripled in price in the new year. MagicMoneyNews has contacted the CDC and advised them to obtain KYC information from all exchanges with BSV listed to determine if the buyers are infected with Coronavirus, or if Craig Wright just paid off the Bognadov’s to activate another scam pump. When asked for comment, Craig threatened to sue us if we contacted him again. We proceeded to inquire if, objectively speaking, he feels he belongs in prison for his many crimes. Craig is now suing MagicMoneyNews and we are in the process of obtaining legal defense. We cannot further comment on the matter at this time.
The infection’s transmission into the Cryptosphere has left many wondering who is to blame. Bitcoin maximalists naturally insist that the Bitcoin Cash team is responsible. “There’s absolutely no doubt in my mind Roger Ver is behind this,” quipped Samson Mow, Chief Strategy Officer of Blockstream. “And Gavin too. I can literally picture them both in a lab having concocted the apparatus necessary to transmit Corona from the real world to the digital. Diabolical fiends. Fuck them, and fuck Bcash.” Our interview was cut short as Mow began to mutter the lyrics to 2pac’s 1996 single “Hit ‘Em’ Up” under his breath.
Roger Ver was quick to respond on a Skype call, visibly upset but doing his best to maintain composure: “Whatever. They’re mad because they know we are the real bitcoin. Bigger blocks on a better blockchain. I mean look, I am Bitcoin Jesus to my followers. They worship the ground I walk on. I’ll fork Bitcoin again if I want to. You’re not infected, are you? Do you want to be? Right, good. Anyway, Samson should spend more time taking care of his girlfriend. How’s gym friend doing by the way?” We attempted to get in one more question but were quickly cut off by Roger: “I got 99 problems and Coronavirus ain’t one. Bitch. Roger out.”
Dan Larimer, architect of EOS, gave a heavy sigh as he shared his theory: “I know it was Vitalik. He’s a genius and, more importantly, he’s fucking weird, and scary. He’s meth addict level thin, walks like an alien, thinks like a robot, and says some weird shit. I’m not just saying this because EOS is better than ETH for dApps and smart contracts either. Even though it is. Ok, just picture the guy in 12 Monkeys who manufactures the virus that wipes out 95% of humanity, but a lot thinner. That’s Vitalik. Freaky dude. Shit man, ETC is the real ETH anyway. The DAO fork was bullshit.”
Vitalik’s response was swift: “Okay Dan. How’s Bitshares doing? You know, the last scam you never finished working on before you started this scam. EOS is a centralized shitcoin. I don’t have time for this. Get fucked.” Vitalik made no comment on the Coronavirus.
The mounting fear of Coronavirus has prompted backlash from promoters of social justice, purporting the entire ordeal is being used as an excuse to unleash racism against those with Chinese heritage.
“Tossing around pandemic memes and customizing avatars to fit hazmat suits is kinda funny. But it’s also a little offensive,” remarked Changpeng Zhao, CEO of Binance.
While we had the opportunity we also asked why exactly Tron was ever listed on Binance, to which Zhao answered, “I don’t know what you’re implying, but I was not compensated by Justin Sun or anyone on the Tron team to list TRX on our esteemed exchange.”
Justin Sun’s recent clashes with the Chinese secret police led us to reach out to him as well. “First of all, I haven’t had any recent clashes with Chinese secret police, so please don’t put that in your article. Also, yes, I am being sued for racial discrimination, so I know what it’s like to be wrongly accused of racism. The guys making these memes are probably not racist. More like retarded. Do they really have nothing better to do? Time to get a job kids.” Justin then cut us off and began repeatedly telling us, “buy my shitcoin.”
Litecoin architect Charlie Lee was also asked about Coronavirus. “For the last time, I didn’t know I was selling the top. I got lucky. Oh wait, Coronavirus? Why are you asking me about Coronavirus? Because I’m Chinese? I really don’t give a shit.” When asked if leverage of his Coinbase connections were used in an inappropriate manner to pump Litecoin, Charlie refused to comment and promptly hung up on us.
On the social media hub reddit, user /u/craigwrightlikeskids submitted a thread to /r/bitcoin, querying as to whether or not investors should be concerned in the long term about the effects of Coronavirus. The subreddit’s infamous overlord moderator /u/theymos quickly deleted the thread, banned the user, then proceeded to take his nightly bath in the blood of the children he sacrificed to Cthulhu earlier. Faint cries could be heard that evening, distant sounds of sorrow-laden wailing, “We will be free from the tyrannical censorship of Theymos once again!” — but these cries were quickly silenced as Theymos deployed his minions into the night to quiet the man for good.
Much like Coronavirus could do to us all if we don’t stay vigilant.
So stay safe. Stay suited. And we’ll see you next time.
If you make it.
Published at Mon, 10 Feb 2020 04:35:42 +0000
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